Articles | SPARK Seminars: Savvy Parents and Resourceful Kids

Monthly Article

Suriving the Paradox of Parenting

by Amy Tiemann, Ph. D.

Parents of preschoolers long for the time when they will have "big kids" who no longer need constant supervision, but parents of middle schoolers might well look back with fondness on the days when they always knew where their children were. The middle school years can feel like a constant encounter with what I call
"The Paradox of Parenting:" good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.

Pre-teens crave new freedoms, and it is up to parents to find a safe balance between allowing kids to try new things while providing guidelines to keep them safe. This is an ongoing process that may be responsible for the appearance of more than a few gray hairs! Here are two things to keep in mind when deciding how to let your older child venture out into the world.

Who's watching the kids?
Supervision is a key part of a child protection strategy. When parents are not personally watching their own kids, they need to feel comfortable with the adults who are in charge. This means establishing a comfort level with coaches, teachers, Scout leaders, and other parents, and being willing to keep your child out of a situation that feels unsafe. If your child is playing at a friend's home, you need to verify that an adult is both present and actively supervising the kids activities. Also ask "Who else is home?" I might feel less comfortable about my 9 year old daughter visiting at a friend's house if the friend's 14 year old brother was there hanging out with his buddies. As a final word on supervision, I would want to know that computer activities were filtered, or closely monitored, and occuring in a public part of the home.

Undertstanding the power of the situation.
Years of social psychology have shown that situational cues play an incredibly powerful role in determining our actions. Understanding this can give parents the confidence to stick by their own judgment when kids insist they are ready for a new situation that the parent is uneasy about. A recent research project showed that three-fourths of the 8-12 year old boys who found a handgun handled it, and half of those boys pulled the trigger. Parents were unable to predict their sons' behavior, and 90% of the boys who handled the gun had previously received some sort of gun safety instruction. It is up to parents to say no to unafe situations, regardless of child assurances. Our kids may be totally sincere when they tell us they would not drink at a beer party, or give in to pressure to experiment sexually with an older date, but they also lack the capacity to predict how they would behave if they were actually faced with that situation. Parents can say that they trust their kids, but not the situation, and therefore will not allow them to particpate.

Is this sounding like a lot of work? You bet it is! But it is also an opportunity to forge stronger bonds within our families and our community. Kids have strong social networks, and parents need to create an active support system of their own to keep children and teens safe.